you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
