even my farts smell like vagina
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
