I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
