I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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