I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
