As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
