I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
