every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
