I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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