OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
