WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
