I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
