spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
