why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
