does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize