I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
