i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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