i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
