Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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