that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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