Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
