Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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