how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
