the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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