a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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