I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
