someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
