my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
