His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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