im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
