omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
