i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
