She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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