nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My vagina just clenched in fear
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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