I'm so fucking centered right now
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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