dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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