just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
