does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
