she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
