Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
