i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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