My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Found your dick twin last night
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
