Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
