so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Randomize
