Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So much rum. So many feels.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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