awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
