i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
