She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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