I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
