I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
