It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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