Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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