I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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