His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
