i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
