It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
