and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
