I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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