Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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