she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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