Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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