I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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