it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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