My underwear smells like fireworks.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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