you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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