If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
what day is it and did you see me today?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
